David Harris
Jim’s June Tip: Six Lessons on Procrastination, Talking Across Generations, and Inheritance
A Giving Strategies post by Jim Friedman
Procrastination comes in many forms. One of the most common is when it comes to planning and communicating about the transfer of assets at the end of life between generations. I talk regularly with parents or adult children about this sticking point, and it is a legitimately hard one. As a friend of mine recently said, “I know I have to, and it will be a good thing, but it just feels wrong to be that clear about my own death with my son. It’s been my job to protect him for so long.”
Whether you are the parent or the adult child, here are some helpful lessons I’ve learned over many years for making sure personal affairs are in order and work smoothly.
- You can never talk enough about end-of-life issues. The more you talk the easier it will become to have open and clear conversations. It is especially important if the parent is reaching a point of needing additional care or assistance. Having covered the difficult conversations makes it easier for them to focus on their care.
- Be continuously vigilant about talking to banks and financial institutions. Make sure all of the investments can be easily transferred by beneficiary designation.
- Have important documents reviewed and updated as often as necessary but especially when circumstances change in the lives of either the parents or the children. Beneficiary designations from will, trusts, life insurance, IRAs, etc., often do not reflect current family circumstances altered, since the documents were first drafted, by divorce or death.
- Keep all siblings informed and keep good records that are shared by all. If one child has the primary responsibility for caring for the parents, make sure the other siblings are kept informed in case something happens to the primary caregiver.
- If the children are receiving a significant inheritance, know that it can be a blessing and a curse. Work on discussing how the parent would like the children to utilize their benevolence. An ethical will can be a good companion to a material will. It can serve as an “owner’s manual” on how to make best use of the gift. (See an example below from Rabbi Steven Leder, who recently spoke at our June Sustainers Event).*
- Think about all of the heirs, broadly understood. A parent may well have supported community organizations and want to continue that tradition. Perhaps a small percentage of the inheritance can be carved out for these organizations so they can continue to flourish.
Procrastination takes away what is often a deep and deepening conversation with your loved ones. I encourage you to throw procrastination to the winds, at least on this score, and have the conversation, and conversations, with your parents or child(ren). How about this week? Let me know if you would like a sounding board as I am always available to be of assistance.
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*An ethical will (Hebrew: Zava’ah), per Wikipedia, is designed to pass ethical values from one generation to the next. Rabbis and Jewish laypeople have continued to write ethical wills during the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. In recent years, the practice has been more widely used as an aid to estate planning, in health care and hospice, and as a spiritual healing tool.
Here is an example I like, from Rabbi Steven Leder, senior rabbi of Wilshire Boulevard Temple, Los Angeles, who wrote one (here is link) for his children:
Dear Aaron and Hanna,Most of all I want you to know that you and your mother are the joy of my life. All other accomplishments pale by comparison. I want you always to be good Jews because then I know you will be good, charitable, loving, disciplined, decent people. Live more for today than for tomorrow. Be forgiving to a fault. When you do something, do your very, very best. Tell many jokes both dirty and clean. Always try to have enough money so that you are never afraid to have someone else’s power over you but use your money to help the powerless. Never pick a fight but if someone picks one with you never back down. If you have done someone good, see it as a small thing. If someone has done you wrong, see that as a small thing too. See the world, dance and give. Let good food, warm bread and wine grace your table. Study Torah diligently. Be welcome in each other’s homes. Light a yahrzeit candle for your mother and me when we are gone. Most of all remember that I love you deeply and forever.
Dad
You can reach Jim Friedman, Director, Planned Giving and Endowments, at 513-985-1524 or jfriedman@jfedcin.org. You can reach the Federation’s Create Your Jewish Legacy team here and the Create Your Jewish Legacy website here.
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